7 Fears of Breaking Up

I did have some practise at breaking up. I have to admit. 
Before I had my son, Felix, many moons ago, I was married for 9 years. We were together for 12 years, so long time we were together.

Breaking up was very tough and it was a process that took, if I reflect this realistically now, about 2-3 years in total.

Granted my mindset back then was all focused on preserving a relationship that didn't serve either of us.

Like I said, we had been together for 12 years, married for 9. We got together when I was 17, we shared a long, impactful history together. 

Plus, we got together in the 90s and where I was living at the time, in South Africa, it was quite common to marry your high school sweetheart and set-up shop, so to speak.

Much later on we lived in the UK and a lot of our friends were from South African, 

When we announced to our friends that we would be divorcing it was a huge shock to everyone and caused a lot of upset and grieve within our circle of friends. 

When I speak about the mechanics of breaking up in a separate episode, I will cover the reaction of other people more in-depth. It is very interesting what a psychological ripple effect one couple separating can have on other people.

Fast forward 5 years later, when the relationship to my son's father broke down, I was able to rationalise faster because it wasn't my first major break up, I did still experience all the fears

Having said that: I speculate that it may have not been any different had I not experienced the break-up of my marriage before. 

Simply because my mindset had changed

I also experienced divorce and separation within my family. 
Not from my parents but within my close family so I had a very healthy notion of the world does not fall apart, life does continue. 

I also knew it would be tough, but I knew it could be done. 

The thought alone that I wasn't the first and I won't be the last was very comforting.

I also theorise that it I got my act together faster because I had a child. 

Because I had to move forward for the sake of my son and offering him a stable environment. I was very driven to level up, very fast.

I will talk about the mechanics of a break-up in a separate podcast because I feel it's very important to talk about the HOW of a break-up because it can set the tone for how you mean to continue when you separate and reshape a new family dynamic.

So, let's get right into the fears.

I have a lot to say about each fear and now how potentially each fear can be converted into something productive - notice I am avoiding the word positive and using productive instead because calling a separation is subjectively positive.

I have decided that in today's segment I will share the top 3 fears and cover the remaining 4 in next week's episode. 

Fear nr 1 is:

The children. How will they take it? How will it affect them? How will they cope? 

What emotions are they going to experience? What will happen to them as a whole? 

How will they view you as parents?

How will they be affected by your choice.

Let's start right there. Accept that they will be affected. Accept that your children have to live a choice that you and your partner are making.

I will say it straight:

You cannot control their emotions. 
You cannot tell them what to feel. 
You cannot rationalise it for them.

Every human is different, every age group is different, everyone deals with trauma differently. 

Admit that it will cause trauma because it is an impactful change 

One that is not always a pre-anticipated change. 

Your kids may be ware and instinctively know that you as a couple are not getting along but they may not know the full extent especially if you have kept them away from discussions at all cost.

When I speak about the mechanics of breaking up - I will cover this in much more details.

Separation is a traumatic experience.

Their home - even in the non-physical sense - your children have come to know and grow up in, that has given them safety and an anchor point is now being rearranged. It's a cut in their life.

But here is a notion that I will ask you to entertain: children are capable of dealing with change, even if the change is severe

How well they are capable of dealing with this type of change depends in large on the circumstances in which they are presented.

You both as parents play a pivotal role, a majorly pivotal role in increasing that capability, their coping mechanism

Set your children up for success when it comes to this type of situation. 

You will all be raw, you will all hurt, you will all experience trauma - even you as the parent who has instigated the choice.

Just recently on the topic of separation a friend said to me -  I am ruining my child's life by separating from my partner.

Let me ask you straight away: what is the cost of you not leaving your partner. 
What are the long-term consequences of remaining in a relationship that is not right for you?
What are the consequences to your children? 
What example of love and relationships are you setting?
What are your children learning from you if you remain in a loveless relationship/marriage? 

I asked myself these questions a lot before I got the stone rolling on my own separation.
 
Certainly, I still came from a generation that was groomed to preserve relationships at all cast. 
Could I remain, could I bear it long-term, how would it work to be in a situation that is a farce?

And in fact, what imprint has my parents' relationship left on me - and they were certainly a couple that would have benefited from a separation.

The fact is that your children are super sensitive, they pick nuances and vibes long before you think. Your behaviour communicates. 

From my experience as a mother, children will pick up on your emotions - it doesn't matter which ones. and they will reflect that in their behaviour.   
They may not be able to pinpoint, they may not be able to verbalise, but they will mirror your behaviour in their behaviour.

A great read to get more into how children mirror you and how can you better manage your own and your child's feelings is called: 

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Phillipa Perry, a British psychotherapist.

I cannot recommend it enough.

Phillips Perry offers a big-picture look at the elements that lead to good parent-child relationships.
- Understand how your own upbringing may affect your parenting
- How to Break negative cycles and patterns
- Handle your own and your child's feelings

It's a great read whether you are getting separated or not, but it is especially valuable so if you are preparing to reform your family dynamic.

The second fear that most individuals experience before a breakup is: where will we live. What is happening to the home that we or I created.

And that is a major anchor point that gets derailed should it come to the fact that the person that has to leave the home, is you. 

With the shared parenting model, there are several different living situations that can be achieved and trust me, I cannot wait to cover this in more detail in the future - it is an exciting topic. 

But most traditionally and in an ideal world within the most common shared parenting living situation, one parent remains in the home, the other parent will live nearby and the children will commute between the two homes.

The idea behind, is that their usual routes to their school and kindergarten is not altered in a major way.

In my own situation we lived several miles apart from each other, and it wasn't always ideal - when my son, Felix, was with me I had a round trip of an hour, to travel to Kindergarten.

I could have quite easily pulled him out of this Kindergarten and placed him somewhere near me 
which would ultimately worked better for his father, too as it was on the way to his work but we did not want to disturb the anchor point that his Kindergarten provided him. We put his needs first and you will learn to appreciate the different anchor points that present themselves when your children are going through the trauma of separation. 

Make a list of the different anchor point you can identify right now outside of your home, perhaps it is their grandparents place, perhaps it is school or kindergarten, maybe it is a club they visit on a regular basis or a place where they go to for their hobbies and extracurricular actives, maybe it is the home of their best friend.

Wherever it may be, search for the places that make your children feel safe and happy. 

These places can be vital in supporting your children through the process of a separation and divorce. Don't underestimate that support network. When I go through the mechanics of a break-up, I will talk about how vital it is to involve others in this process. 

Of course, you don't have to tell anyone you are breaking up, it's your choice, but remember that you play a pivotal role in increasing that capability that coping mechanism for your children. 

Getting separated when you have children does require more consideration.

Sharing the information about your separation or divorce with carefully selected key people in your children's life may certainly cushion that trauma they are bound to feel anyway. 

If you ask your adult friends how they felt during the separation and divorce of their parents, they will most certainly say they felt lonely and misplaced. Do everything you can to ensure your children feel carried in this process.

Of course, finances come into the living situation a lot and in fact the third greatest fear is the financial situation after a separation and I will speak about this in a minute.

If you do have to give up your home and find a new one.
Please consider there is also freedom that a breakup brings, the freedom to start fresh, to detach from old ways and an old living situation.

A home is what you make of it! And you have the capability to create a new, fresh start with fresh energy in new surroundings. 
There is also a level of excitement when you get to a new place.

Guaranteed when your children grow up, they will not query the size of their room.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if your flat was small. It doesn't matter if your child had a tiny room. What matters is the energy that you created in that home.
Happiness knows no size. A stable home does not require physical architecture but an emotional structure.

Creating two or even several anchor points for children, where they will feel safe, understood, and happy that is a key priority in setting up your homes after separation.


Fear Number 3 is finances. 

How will we cope financially after a split? 
This is a big fear to have as it makes us feel anxious about or livelihood and even our existence and it is one that I feel should almost be tackled immediately. 

So, if you are a couple and you are considering separation - do this first.

Speak to a professional immediately - get guidance and mediation for this part of the process.

Sit down, be realistic, be open and free yourself from the thought that one person has to cover everything financially. 

Make sure you understand what other means of support are available to you as single parents.

Shared parenting in the recent years has had bad press - why, because in some instances, the shared parenting model has been unfortunately abused to avoid financial obligation or even leverage financial benefit. 

I have observed horrendous stories from across the globe:

One partner having the children for 51% of the time and the other for 49% of the time, the latter still requiring paying full alimony or child support -whatever it may be called depending on where you are.
This parent had to work longer hours and was exhausted by having to carry the majority of the financial burden and still create an engaged home for the children.

Second situation: where partners agree to a 50/50 shared parenting model to avoid paying any support at all - leaving the one parent financially stranded because they earn significantly less or even nothing at all because they haven't worked in a traditional employment for a number of years

These are obviously just two examples of hundreds of different scenarios.

Money is by far the top reason for the process of separation and divorce turning sour. But it doesn't have to be.

Let me say this:

At one stage you loved each other
At one stage you had children
Whether you loved each other or not
These children are your priority, and they have to remain the priority.

When this is the case, it should not be impossible to come to an agreement.

You gain nothing from your partner struggling. Nothing.

Thinking that your children will prefer to be with you, if you have it all sorted and everything is shiny and great. While your partner is struggling to make ends meet and is clearly stressed. You are wrong.

It is psychologically proven that as soon as you are separated, it is in your children's natural instinct that both parents are on an equal level playing field.

Children will understand and feel the lack of equilibrium. If one parent is doing significantly worse after separation, they will automatically try and compensate. 

If the equilibrium is disturbed your child is going to take on the responsibility of making it equal and of stabilising that situation. 

As soon as that happens, you are robbing them of their childhood. They are children, they should not compensate for anything.

I came to this realisation perhaps two years after we had split. Remember how I mentioned that children mirror behaviour!

My son was going through a stage where he found it nearly impossible to leave his dad. When we would swap, it was heart breaking to watch how upset he was to leave. I tried to investigate this situation because it broke my heart and 

I started down the route of asking myself what am I doing wrong as a mother. 
Because when Felix would go back to his dad, he wasn't upset to leave me. It left me doubting my skills as a parent, as a mother until I realised 

he was anxious to leave his dad. 

In his eyes his dad could not cope by himself, and he wanted to be there to compensate.

Of course, his dad could physically cope but being naturally a more anxious person himself, Felix felt that anxiety and mirrored it straight back.

I had taken on a more senior role in my company, I was earning more, and it was one day during my evolution as a servant leader that I realised I am serving a lot of people, but I am not serving my ex-partner.

So, I started asking myself, what can I do, to make him happier. 
What can I do to improve his life? 
What is going to make life easier and more pleasant

I became softer in my approach with his dad, I made some financial adjustments which I knew would help him in a major way and made him feel financially lighter and almost immediately I noticed a change in my child's behaviour.

I don't want to delve too deeply into this topic now because I will speak about in future, but much later the equilibrium was disturbed again when I met my partner and we noticed how anxious Felix was to stay with this dad again and found it difficult to leave, because my constellation was complete with a new partner. While his dad who was not in a relationship and in our son's eyes, his das was lonely and his constellation was incomplete.

Your child will compensate where there is no equilibrium.

If you want to remain a family dynamic across two homes, get your finances sorted jointly. 

I feel that we need a new money mindset when a family is reshaping itself. There is accountability on both sides, do what you can to support each other.

Get help, find out what the laws and regulations in your country are but above all keep an open conversation and be a team on this. Avoid conflict, don't take advantage, be accountable.

In next week's episode, I will cover four more fears of breaking up and how to cope with them.

Thanks for listening to all under one roof - the shared parenting podcast brought to you by me, Jennifer Rohini Stoll, produced by der podcast coach - your one stop shop for podcast coaching and production. Please listen and subscribe on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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