EPISODE 3 7 FEARS OF BREAKING UP PART 2

Welcome back to All UNDER ONE ROOF, THE SHARED PARENTING PODCAST WITH ME; JENNIFER ROHINI STOLL, THE SHARED PARENTING MAMA

In last week's episode the 7 fears of breaking up part 1, I spoke about the three top fears of breaking up your relationship or marriage.

Let me recap the first 3 fears:

Fear number 1 - your children - how do they cope, how do they deal with this change
Fear number 2 - your home - what happens to it, who gets to stay and who gets the chance to set up a second home and fear number 3 your finances and how this will change after the break-up

If you haven't listened to the last episode yet, please and let me know your thoughts - perhaps you are living in a shared parenting situation today where you have managed to positively overcome to those top 3 fears.
Today I am going speak about the next 4 top fears of breaking up, but before I delve deep,

I just to want to share an interesting impulse with you.

Jay Shetty speaks in his latest podcast called ON PURPOSE about breaking bad habits and quotes the Bhagavad Gita which speaks of Attachment and Aversion as being two sides of the same coin.
He explains if you push something away - something you loved once, you will keep attached to it as the hand you are symbolically pushing with keeps being connected to what you are pushing away, meaning you are still investing energy into it.

If you really want to break a habit, you need to let it go rather than push it away.

The idea being is that the mind should be free from both attachment and aversion.

That made me think the words break-up don't actually fit the shared parenting situation of a healthy family reformation.

Instead:

Let go of the relationship, don't break it up
Realise these relationships did serve you at some point
It created a child or children
And alone for that it served its greatest purpose.

Instead of pushing the person away that you have been together with, let them go gracefully. Avoid investing energy over and over again into something that doesn't serve you instead let your partner go gracefully.

It's easy to describe a relationship as toxic, as the worst relationship ever.
And of course, I am not referring to extreme cases.

I am referring to relationships that have run their course and in the process of running its course. The union of two people may become so intolerable and unacceptable because the energetic shift between the two, that divide is now so great that it cannot be realigned.

Change your speech. Become conscious in what you are saying.

It wasn't the worst, it wasn't useless, because that is saying that the product of this relationship and by that, I mean your children are the worst and the most useless.

The words 'to serve' are the key.

While your relationship may not serve YOU anymore individually, it will continue to serve YOUR children!

Ok, let's get back on track and look at fear number 4.

This is an interesting and tricky one - the fear of how your parents and in-laws will take the change and how it will potentially change your relationship with them.

Let's start with the in-laws first.

Mother-in-laws may have had a bad rep in the past but nowadays grandmothers and grandparents have become pivotal crutches to family dynamics, many are deeply involved in their grandchildren's everyday life.
Separation and Divorce is a difficult time for your in-laws. They may feel like they are in the middle of it all, they may be fearful about losing access to their grandchildren.

If you have a good relationship with your in-laws, be respectful of their relationship with your partner. They will need space to be able to support their child.

With time, the dust will settle and if you've enjoyed a stable and positive relationship with them in the past, it's likely that will continue once the divorce or separation proceedings have come to an end.
Remember that your parents may also have formed a bond of love and trust with your soon-to-be ex.

I will talk about communication and whom to tell more in-depth when I cover the mechanics of breaking up in an upcoming podcast.

Be clear and fair with both parents when conversing with them about your divorce or separation.

In an ideal world, you will have both parents here to support you emotionally while you sort yourself out.
Your parents will suffer their own divorce and separation anxiety about you. With all likelihood, they have their own preconceived notions and experiences from which they are reacting from. Allow them the space to come to terms with your breakup in their own time. If they want to remain in touch with your ex-partner or his or her family, be ok with it.

Remember, just like with your children, your parents will often mirror how you are with the situation. You both getting along, making it work together, sets the tone for everybody else.

Remind your parents that just because you are breaking up doesn't meant that they will stop being grandparent.

Fear number 5 is the fear of failure

I read this mic-drop sentence the other day on the pattern
Sometimes you have to let go of the same person many different times.

I mentioned in last week's episode, part 1 of the 7 fears of breaking up, that I have been married before. This relationship spanned over 12 years, and I remember how great the sense of failure was when we split up. It was almost unbearable. I actually teamed up with my siblings to forge a plan of how to break the news to my parents to whom my ex-husband was like a prodigal son, everyone loved him, my whole family loved him.
this actually teams up well with fear number 4.
I felt like a right failure, and I was scared of how my parents would react.

When we look at the root cause of this fear of failure, try and drill down to what beliefs are attached to this fear?

- Do you believe you don't have what it takes to be in a relationship?
- Do you feel you are unworthy of receiving and/or giving love?
- Are you worried you will disappoint others?
- Are you afraid you are failing as a parent

This is a fear that should not be underestimated as it may cause you to avoid trying altogether.
Because you may be afraid that you will try and not succeed and then simply decide not to try at all in order to prevent potential pain, embarrassment, or disappointment.

Ask yourself why do you have a fear of failure?

You may have experienced critical and even unsupportive phases of your life, like you could never live up to other people's expectations during childhood for example. So, divorce and separation may be viewed as the ultimate failure for you as an adult.

You may have a different definition of what failure means. For example, not achieving something exactly as planned can create a set of expectations that is very difficult to live up to.

If you have experienced a difficult or even traumatic failure, this may keep you in fear repeating that experience in the future.

But it may be even as simple as you have had a strong solid relationship example in your parents, and you feel like failure for not being able to replicate their relationship and bond.

But here is the truth. You deciding to leave your relationship that no longer serves you, is not failure. It's you owning up to your own truth.
And by living your truth, you are showing your children to live in theirs.

Staying in a relationship that does not serve you anymore, is the real failure. Because you are failing yourself and living in a farce. And you are teaching your children a variety of behaviours including sticking out a relationship that no longer serves them.

And here is another mic-drop sentence to write down

Failure is a stop, not a destination.

Fear number 6 is the fear of change

We fear change because we can't anticipate the outcome.
Know this, staying where you are can be riskier than changing. Adapt a growth mindset.

The paradox is that although we reject uncertainty, we have the skills to change and evolve. We have been evolving for 2.4 million years.
Fear is an emotion that may get in the way, and we then lose clarity about our potential. But the fear of uncertainty can also be a great motivation.

We are hardwired to resist uncertainty - our brain prefers a predictable, negative outcome over an uncertain outcome.
The good news is our mind is flexible and adaptive - it can be trained to thrive in change.
Our fear of change is based on the stories that we tell ourselves. We narrate our lives as if they are out of our control.

Your life is not a book written by others; you have the power to create your own storyline. If you feel the outcomes is out of your control, play a more active role
If you want a different outcome, start by changing your mindset. You are not just a character; you are the author of your life

Why do we fear change?

1. Uncertainty feeds our fears.
Your brain likes being in control. Uncertainty generates a strong alert response in our limbic system; that's why we worry. That's why we speculate - we'd rather create a fictional story than not know what will happen.

We have a hard time moving on. When a relationship is over, we get stuck. We keep rehashing old stories instead of opening our minds to what's next.
Embrace impermanence. Accept that everything in life is temporary.

Coming back to fear number 5, Our fear of failure also feeds our aversion to change.

So, what can we do to overcome the fear of change when it comes to ending our relationships?

1. Understand why you are resisting
If you resist the end of a phase in your live, ask yourself why you are not letting go?
The truth is you cannot start to writer a new book if you don't finish the last chapter of the old book.

2. Understand that Life is full of choices.
Start seeing all the possibilities that come with change. Learn to put expectations aside and focus on what you can control.
Your life is not the product of your circumstances; it's the product of your choices.

3. Embrace being imperfect.
Embrace being real, embrace speaking and living in your truth. Vulnerability is a strong starting point to living your truth.

4. Accept that You can't control others.
Let go. Let go. Let go of control. Let go of controlling others, just be.

5. Be open for life's unexpected twists. Do something new. Go outside your comfort zone.

And hey, you don't have to have it all figured out today, this is a process, let it evolve.

It is essential to establish goals and have a vision but let go of controlling the process
When we want to protect ourselves from uncertainty, we lose awareness of the present moment. And we stop enjoying what life gives us.
Avoid living on autopilot - every day is an opportunity to write a new chapter in your life.

Open yourself up for change and enjoy the ride.

I was quite ready to embrace the unknown when both my major relationships ended.
I learned to become observant to my own reactions and internal dialogue.

The last Fear is the Fear of Abandonment

Loss is a natural part of life. However, people with abandonment issues live in fear of these losses. So, leaving a relationship that no longer serves you can be overwhelming and deeply rooted in traumatic experiences.

If you or your partner identifies as someone who has fear of abandonment, speak to a professional and get some help.

Acknowledging this type of anxiety, is a major step in getting some help. Keep an open dialogue with your soon-to-be-ex about this fear.

This is a fear that needs to be tackled with tools and guidance. This fear requires both partners to commit to a solid plan and potentially external help.

I myself felt a fear of abandonment during several break ups in my life.
I convinced myself, that nobody wants a single mother with a kid. Nobody will find me attractive. Nobody will want me. And the latter turned into, I am not good enough to be loved or desired.

It took some conversations with myself to realise my own worth. To step back into becoming self-loved, self-confident, and independent.
If you find it more difficult to change the narrative you tell yourself, seek help. Speak to a professional.

One of my closest friends is working with a single coach. This coaching has helped her to understand her patterns in and outside of relationships. It has opened her view on her own behaviour and has uncovered believes from her childhood that were directly linked to the relationship of her parents towards each other but also towards her.
It can be hugely enlightening and lifting to uncover the why behind your fears, especially this one, because it will help you to evolve your mindset so you can go into future relationships with a much healthier mindset.

OUTRO

It's easy for us to view fears as obstacles but they can be important catalysts to remove paralysing blocks. They can instigate ideas and break old habits and patterns. Stay curious about why you are feeling all the feels.
Observe yourself, I am a big journal-fan, I use journaling to reflect on a daily basis - and there is something very meditative when you write things down. It certainly helps to free your mind.

In next week's episode, I will talk about 3 things that helped settle our child into two homes.

Thanks for listening to all under one roof - the shared parenting podcast brought to you by me, Jennifer Rohini Stoll, produced by der podcast coach - your one stop shop for podcast coaching and production. Please listen and subscribe on Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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